Feeling bad about not feeling bad

My aunt died last week. I hadn't seen her in a few years, and even then it was just for a day. She had been pretty reclusive, not wanting me to visit when I happened to have been near her home city a year or two ago. I spoke with her on the phone once or twice a year, near holidays or birthdays. She had been having some health issues and was pretty old, so it wasn't a total surprise, but on the other hand, she didn't have a terminal illness either.

I am sad, but mostly sad for my father and my remaining aunt on that side of the family. However, I am more sad and angry at myself that I dont feel more of a loss. Obviously she wasn't a part of my day to day life or thoughts, but my conscience tells me that the void should be bigger. I just cant seem to make it bigger, or feel it any more intensely. I have thought about all my interactions with my aunt, how she used by make my birthday cake when we all used to get together on Pesach(my birthday cake frequently has to be prepared from the famed manichevitz passover bakery product), and how she would have little toys for us when we visited. But the reality is that I haven't seen her regularly for more than 25 years. That is also part of the guilt.

My obvious realization is that you miss the things that you value, have a sentimental attachment to, or that are a noticeable part of your life. Since I didn't place much value on my relationship with my aunt over the last 25 years(demonstrable by the lack of communication and interaction), it should not be surprising that I dont notice something missing. I hope I learned my lesson.

If we are not for ourselves, who will be for us?(Im ain ani li mi li)

This poll, put out by MSNBC, asked over 1000 people in 27 countries(sample size 28,000) to say if they have a positive or negative view of a country. Out of 12 countries, Israel placed dead last, with 56% of people viewing it negatively, and only 17% positively. Of course, 4 of the 28 countries were predominantly muslim, but many were in Europe as well. Couple this with the report cited by Rabbi/prof. Jeffrey Woolf that over 90% of Palestinians age 18-21, and essentially 100% of younger Palestinians do not think that Israel has a right to exist, and the future looks pretty bleak. It becomes more and more clear every day that except for support from the United States, Israel is pretty much alone in the world, and most would be happier if it didn't exist. Hard to believe, but the sooner we accept these facts, the better. Continuing to look at the world through rose-colored glasses and failing to take appropriate action now will only make the future more difficult.

Welcome to the nosh space

It seems that I have made the leap from anonymity, through pseudonomity, to actual personal identification. Now I will have to take personal responsibility for what I write. This may be limiting, but then again, perhaps liberating. Only time and blogging will tell.