My aunt died last week. I hadn't seen her in a few years, and even then it was just for a day. She had been pretty reclusive, not wanting me to visit when I happened to have been near her home city a year or two ago. I spoke with her on the phone once or twice a year, near holidays or birthdays. She had been having some health issues and was pretty old, so it wasn't a total surprise, but on the other hand, she didn't have a terminal illness either.
I am sad, but mostly sad for my father and my remaining aunt on that side of the family. However, I am more sad and angry at myself that I dont feel more of a loss. Obviously she wasn't a part of my day to day life or thoughts, but my conscience tells me that the void should be bigger. I just cant seem to make it bigger, or feel it any more intensely. I have thought about all my interactions with my aunt, how she used by make my birthday cake when we all used to get together on Pesach(my birthday cake frequently has to be prepared from the famed manichevitz passover bakery product), and how she would have little toys for us when we visited. But the reality is that I haven't seen her regularly for more than 25 years. That is also part of the guilt.
My obvious realization is that you miss the things that you value, have a sentimental attachment to, or that are a noticeable part of your life. Since I didn't place much value on my relationship with my aunt over the last 25 years(demonstrable by the lack of communication and interaction), it should not be surprising that I dont notice something missing. I hope I learned my lesson.
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